Lack of Feeling
by GenuineSurprise
Summary: What does Nathan feel after Lucas wins the game at the Rivercourt? Loads of Nathan angst and memories that have haunted him for a long time...includes the summer that Deb went away and finding the 'Lucas box'


Author's Note: Well, this came to me about a couple of nights ago. But I was so busy doing AP homework that it was left to stew in my brain for quite a while. It's mainly focused on Nathan in season one right after the Rivercourt game.

Disclaimers: I don't own One Tree Hill that wasn't necessary now was it…

And now, without further ado….

His dark eyes were drenched with hate and anger. Every emotion known to men flowed through his soul, his sixteen year old body shook with unexplained feelings. I can't believe that I feel like this, he thought to himself, hating himself for allowing his emotions to take hold. This shouldn't be happening; he clenched his right into a fist and slammed it down on his bed sheets. His other hand curled around his pillow as he pulled himself into an upright position. He could remember the last time he felt like this; it was more than eight years ago…

"Nathan!" His Aunt Emily smiled at him and drawing him into a warm embrace, the seven year old boy acknowledged her greeting with a toothy grin. "You look more and more like your father each day," She pushed his hair back with a finger, and then kissed him on the cheek.

His father strode over and put a hand on Nathan's shoulder, "Nate, why don't you go to my office while Aunt Emily and I look over some cars." Nathan nodded and walked towards his father's office. The large office looked so foreboding to the young boy, with its large redwood table and large paintings of race cars. The big glass case near the wall held his father's basketball memorabilia and pictures of the family lined the shelves. Nathan saw himself as an eight month old baby in his mother's arms, opening his first basketball when he was five, and fishing with his dad last summer. He put the wedding picture of his parents down gently; it fell over making a small crack in the delicate frame. Nathan's eyes grew wide; he hoped his dad wouldn't discover it.

Feeling extremely bored, Nathan slumped in his father's leather chair with a sullen expression on his face. He flipped through the paper on the desk; they were filled with big words that he could not understand. A small wooden box under his father's desk caught Nathan's expression, a smile formed on his lips. Finally, he found something to play with! As he ducked down to attain the box, Nathan saw that it was held together with a lock. A frown grew on his face, what could his dad have that he did not other people to see? He looked on the floor again, definitely no key. Suddenly, an idea hit him, Nathan stuck his hand underneath the desk, sure enough, and the key was there. Excitement ran through his body as he stuck the key through the hold and felt the lock click open.

With a pounding heart, Nathan lifted the cover, the box was filled with…pictures. Of the boy in his homeroom class, Lucas Scott, but why would there be pictures of Lucas here? A blond baby stared back at him, newspaper clippings carefully cut out followed Lucas's triumphs in baseball and football. Nathan flipped through the pictures; an old picture of his father in a tuxedo with a pretty brunette girl was near the bottom. He lifted that particular picture out and stared at it for a long time. His father looked about seventeen of eighteen, the young girl was beautiful and wearing a light blue gown. That girl, Nathan slowly realized, was not his mother.

Finally, as he reached the bottom of the stack, there was a birth certificate. Nathan had seen his many times and his mother would sometimes bring it out when he asked. Nathan's eyes were filled with surprise when he found his father's name, Daniel Edward Scott on the line specifying the child's father.

"You do know that going through other people's things are wrong, don't you?" His father remarked dryly. Nathan glanced up and saw his father towering over him from the other side of the desk. Nathan looked down at the blue box in guilt but then felt shock and anger surging through him.

"Dad, is Lucas my brother?" He asked, staring into his father's face. Dan Scott studied the boy before him before answering, "Yes, but he doesn't have anything to do with our family, Nathan."

"But why, Dad? Why does he not have anything to do with our family?" Nathan asked with childhood innocence behind his blues eyes.

"Drop the subject, Nathan." Dan answered tersely, "I don't want to discuss this any further with you."

"But dad," Nathan protested, "How come you've never told me?"

Dan started walking towards the door, Nathan jumped from his chair and started to follow him, but before he could even open his mouth again, his father looked back at him with fury in his eyes.

"Don't make me do something I'll regret, Nathaniel. I told you to drop it." Nathan stopped in his tracks and watched his father walk out the door of the office, slamming the door with such ferocity that it left a ringing sound in Nathan's ears.

Nathan felt hot tears pricking the back of his eyes; he wiped them away and walked over to where the blue box innocently sat on the table. "I hate you, Lucas." Nathan hissed and threw the box across the room so that it shattered the windows of his father's office.

Nathan flinched at this memory, the way that he felt that day reflected what he felt at this moment almost perfectly. The only people that could make him feel this way, he thought bitterly were his father and Lucas. So ironic, Nathan thought, his family could make him so angry and fearful at the same time.

People thought that he had it all, Nathan thought with an irate smile on his face. Popularity, coveted position on the Varsity basketball team, beautiful cheerleader girlfriend and loads of money, but they wouldn't be jealous if they had lived through **that** summer.

His mother left on what his father claimed was vacation; it left Nathan with his father all that summer. Dan appeared to take all his frustrations out from his wife's abandonment in teaching Nathan how to perfect his basketball skills. He forced the ten year old boy to get up every day at 6:00 to run around the block. At first, Nathan was so tired that he could barely keep from falling asleep on the grueling run. But soon, he grew used to it, and woke each morning with no more feeling of impending doom but mutual acceptance. He used to comfort himself by telling him that his father was doing that for his own good, it would help him in the future, and his father loved him.

Dan was adamant about precision shots in basketball, at first he attempted to be patient with his ten year old son whenever he missed a shot, but eventually as his wife's leave stretched long, so did his patience. Standing in the sweltering heat of summer in their backyard, Dan pushed Nathan to the limit, forcing him to shoot for an entire afternoon. After one extremely hard practice, Nathan could not get the last basket in. Dan finally lost all his tolerance and slapped Nathan across the face.

"Get the last basket in, boy. Or you don't sleep tonight."

_Whoosh_. The ball fell through the net; Nathan stared back at his father with a fearful expression but Dan only had an expression of smug satisfaction on his face. After this episode, Dan found, what he thought to be a good motivator. Soon, Nathan's shots became more and more precise, almost all his shots made through the net. Dan was careful to not hit Nathan's face again, knowing that it would be too obvious for the neighbors. After embarrassing gossip after the Little League game, Dan was determined not to let it happen again.

"That was pure hell." Nathan whispered into the darkness as he fell back down on his bed. He could remember crying at night hoping his mother would come back and put a stop to this. Everyday, he bounded down the stairs hoping to see his mother and fall into her warm arms, but he only sees Dan drinking coffee and smiling at him. That smile unnerved him; it reminded him of what was to come: pain for every shot he missed. "I don't want to do this to you, son." His father had lightly remarked," But it helps you in the long run."

Finally, he had lost all hope. As he trudged downstairs that August morning, Nathan was shocked to see his mother sitting at the kitchen table crying while his father stared at her with a satisfied smile.

"Mommy!" He had shouted, the joy that flowed through his body at that particular moment made his steps and heart lighter. She gathered him in her arms, and promised that she was never going to leave him again.

Dan stopped the basketball training that day.

Nathan got up from his bed and stumbled over to the numerous basketball trophies he won over the years. He used to look at them with pride but now he had only resentment and hatred towards these worthless hunks of metal.

"Father and son championship." He muttered before laughing bitterly, staring at it with immense revulsion then broke it in half with his two hands. The picture of him, age 5 with his parents at the zoo did not bring back happy memories but only fierce irritation. "I love you, Daddy." He mimicked his five year old self.

Lucas is the lucky one, Nathan decided as he climbed back into his bed. Hey bastard, Nathan thought with a satisfied smile on his face, you once told me I don't deserve the things I have. Well, the truth is, you have things that I've coveted all alone: freedom and love. You're lucky that Dad hasn't touched your life…


End file.
